If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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