my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We talked him into tasing himself.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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