i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
