He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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