dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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