my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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