Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
