I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
