I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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