I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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