Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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