he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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