Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
third nipple confirmed
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
