Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
do nipples grow back?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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