I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
