I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
