You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
