You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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