i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
