I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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