I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
