I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
