I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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