Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize