Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
