I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
