how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
