im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
