that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
