I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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