Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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