How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
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