Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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