your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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