Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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