i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
