she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
