I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
