Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
