is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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