i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
