My liver just broke up with me...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She made me pour olive oil on her.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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