FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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