Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
