Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
