Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
