just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
