Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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