Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
