last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
