worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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