I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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