i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
