I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
